I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize