wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
