We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
