I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
