Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
