Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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