She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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