I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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