omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
