I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
