It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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