A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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