dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
