My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
