turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
