just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
