Moan for me like Helen Keller
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
