So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
