Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
