before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
