She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
So many bounce houses so little time
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
