My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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