When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize