i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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