my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
