i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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