I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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