You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
