oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize