Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
