Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize