You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
