So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize