He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
