I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
50% drunk capacity currently
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
