i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I smell stomach acid.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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