Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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