totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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