THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
