just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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