My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
