So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
