Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
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