Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Randomize
