I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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