THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
