i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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