I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
