i just had sex bonerless
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
