On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
People with herpes should wear stickers.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
