Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I lost the right to judge tonight
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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