You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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