the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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