Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
