I wish I only lived at night.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
