Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My bed smells like the plague
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
