and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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