if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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