It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
